A Match Made in Heaven
- Ashley Neville
- Mar 24
- 7 min read
Early in my journey as a death doula candidate with Home Hospice Association, a friend introduced me to a close friend of hers named Kevin Sturge who was in need of some doula support. I felt nervous my inexperience, but Kevin would often tell me “you’re doing a great job!” We bonded over the fact that we were both from Newfoundland, had similar childhood experiences, and had a love for music – both playing and performing.
I am just starting my music journey in regard to learning how to play instruments and getting comfortable with singing and learning about sound therapy to later incorporate into my death doula practice. Kevin was excited to try to teach me how to play guitar even though the lesson went right over my head. I was amazed by Kevin’s ability to sing and play guitar. He was a big fan of classic rock and disco music. He performed on stage many times in his life, even spending many summers busking in Fort McMurray Alberta while his dog, Jake, accompanied him.
I said to Kevin one day “there is no way I could ever go on a stage. I don’t like to be the centre of attention.” Kevin told me he loved being on stage, but that he was terrified the first time. He shook nervously, but at the end of the first song, everyone cheered. Kevin was an amazing song writer who wrote his own songs, and he also excelled at poetry writing. He dreamed of becoming famous one day for his singing, or his song and poetry writing. When I first met Kevin, he told me he was diagnosed with emphysema and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and had about a year left of his life. Kevin’s friend told me that Kevin lost his joy of singing and playing guitar due to his illness but that meeting me had motivated him to pick up the guitar again.
I was able to get him to talk about his illness, how he was feeling about everything, and start making end-of-life plans and goals after his friend told me that these topics were avoided whenever she tried to help. We divided our time together doing various things such as writing down memories, going out for coffee, going for drives, guitar lessons, and completing paperwork. Kevin was always very patient with me and knew how to compliment me well. When I would take him for drives, he would exclaim “boy, I sure do love your Jeep!” I would always play his favourite music, and he’d yell “TURN IT UP!” and sing his heart out.
2024 was quite a busy year for me. I was constantly dealing with medical appointments after a car accident at the end of 2023, which made me need to think of possibly my chosen industry if I did not fully heal from my injury. At first, I was quite upset about getting into a car accident and how it may have forever affected my life. I have worked in the oil industry since 2010 when I first moved to Alberta, mainly working as a heavy equipment operator up until the car accident. It is the only type of work I knew and was comfortable with doing, due to struggling with anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) for almost three decades, I was also dealing with a second permanent injury from breaking my leg at work in the middle of the mine on a brutally cold -30’C winter day in 2020.
At the end of 2023, I was begging the universe “please give me hope” after feeling quite hopeless about finding a way to be able to leave the oil industry due to my limitations. Well, be careful about what you wish for, because the universe will deliver and sometimes not in the way you expect. I didn’t pay much attention to the details of the other driver until a few months afterward the accident. I couldn’t help but laugh when I read the driver’s name in the accident report: It was Hope. I took it as a sign that I needed to take advantage of my time off from my job and reflect inward, change some things in my life, and come face-to-face with my shadow. Then I decided to take on death doula training.
I was still questioning myself. I asked myself, Am I a good fit to be a death doula? Am I even making a difference? Am I ready to take this on right now while I am still dealing with my health issues? Am I ready to leave the oil industry? Should I leave the oil industry? I came close several times to just giving up and dropping the death doula certificate program due to all my self-doubts. But every time I left Kevin’s apartment, he would sigh and say to me, “I miss you already.” After feeling like a faceless, replaceable number in the oil industry, Kevin made me feel appreciated. He would tell me, “Do you know just how special you are? I don’t know what I would do without you.”
Kevin unfortunately contracted bronchitis and pneumonia in both his lungs, and I visited in in the hospital to see how he was doing and to give support. He was soon put into a coma and on life support. I worried that this may cut his life shorter than we all were expecting and he wasn’t able to complete all his end-of-life goals - one which was to drive across Canada one last time and spend his last days in Newfoundland where most of his brothers and sisters lived. One of Kevin’s brothers lived a few hours south of Fort McMurray and came to the hospital as soon as he could. It was the first time I met him, along with a few other family members. My heart broke for the family, seeing them all upset. Video calls from other family members were made and messages of love were shared to Kevin in his coma. Thankfully, after Kevin’s vitals became more stable. His doctor was able to take him out of the coma and remove the life support, and Kevin stabilized enough to be moved from ICU.
A particularly beautiful moment I witnessed was when Kevin got an unexpected phone call from a family member he lost contact with. I was sitting next to Kevin while he took the call on speaker phone. I witnessed beautiful words exchanged, reconciliation, and tears shared. I asked Kevin when the last time was they both spoke, and he said “25 years ago.” He sobbed more with me after the phone call, happy tears, because he felt so loved by everyone around him. I asked him how he felt about his family members reaching out to him, and how he felt now dealing with his illness. “I feel much more at peace now. When I see that bright light, I’m heading straight for it.” I held his hand, and we shared even more tears together. Kevin often talked about his 17-year-old dog Jake who passed away a year prior: “He was my life. I can’t wait to see him again.”
On February 26, 2025, Kevin was talking with one of his sisters who lives in Newfoundland over the phone. She played piano for him and after a while she noticed Kevin went quiet. At first, she thought nothing of it, thinking Kevin probably fell asleep so she said to him that she was going to go and said goodbye. Five minutes later she received a phone call from the hospital letting her know that her brother Kevin died. I spoke with her about this incident, and she told me that she heard her brother take his last breath out. I am so thankful that Kevin experienced a peaceful death while speaking to his sister whom he loved very much. Kevin cared deeply about all the people in his life, and I can contest to this. the last text I received from Kevin on the day he died read: “Do you know I love you.”
I thank Kevin and his family for allowing me into their lives to offer my services and spend with them, and for taking it easy on this very green death doula in training! I also thank Kevin and his family for giving me permission to share my experience with others. My experience with Kevin was filled with beauty, smiles, and laughs, and heart-to-heart conversations (along with many tears shared!). This time was healing and uplifting for me as well.
Kevin was a very special person who knew what it was like to struggle and had great empathy and compassion for others. He was a hopeless romantic who wore his heart on his sleeve. He experienced homelessness. He wanted to share words from his heart and help make the world a better place with his songs and his poetry. It is my pleasure to share some of his poems and songs. Our time together was short, but he made a great impact on me. Kevin’s ashes will be making their way back to Newfoundland later this year along with a clay imprint of his beloved dog Jake. His final wish was to take his dog for a walk one last time.
On March 15, 2025, I attended Kevin’s celebration of life. Initially I wasn’t planning on speaking, but Kevin was so special that I felt I needed to say something. I was nervous about speaking publicly, but I remembered what Kevin told me--that even he felt nervous his first time on stage. I decided to finally overcome my fear and say something to honour Kevin and make him proud. I don’t have enough gratitude for this special experience that made such an impact on my life. My goal was to uplift Kevin during a difficult time, make him feel more at peace, and make him feel seen, heard, and cared for. I wasn’t expecting him to make me feel the same while helping him on his final journey.
The Cycle of Life By Kevin Sturge
One life over
Second one begins
Worst one is over
Best one begins
One song is over
A new song begins
As the cycle begins
So must it end
A friendship begins
A new one ends
So when does it begin
And when does it all end
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