In addition to the work I do in my community serving bereaved families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss, I started to offer end of life ceremony & ritual for pet/animal companion loss. I haven’t had the chance to work with that type of bereavement yet, but I have been doing little rituals and creating resting spots for deceased birds. I saw this perfect Crow lying on the ground at the local cemetery. It came home with me for a special send off; to lie in beauty. When I looked into why it might have died; there were no conclusive results. I read up more on the Crow. Did you know that Crows recognize individual human faces, problem-solve & make and use tools to accomplish complex tasks, warn others of potential danger, are associated with both birth and death; and are a messenger of Spirit.
The intention of my ritual for the Crow was to explore impermanence, since this feathered being is so connected to the aspects of death and Spirit. I adorned the resting place with Mum flowers which symbolize life, rebirth and resilience. Dried Peony flowers to represent compassion. I included lichens which are one step in complexity above algae; quite simple in their structure, and yet, they have a tremendously important role in nature. This reminded me of the Crow; we as humans dismiss their significance, but they have such a significant role in nature. I lay the bed with juniper. Juniper trees/shrubs symbolize the strength and perseverance of spirit; and ancient wisdom. And there the Crow lies; in beauty. The natural materials around this sentient being will fade; they may feel the heat of the sun and will likely be drenched by rain & snow; and the wind may move them. The Crow will probably be taken by a scavenger animal or fellow avian. All is impermanent; but all is beautiful.
So, what is impermanence and why should we, as death doulas and Infant & Pregnancy Loss Doulas (IPLDs), be open to exploring this concept of impermanence. Impermanence means that everything changes and nothing lasts forever. The Dali Lama reflects on impermanence by saying, “Feelings, discriminations, miscellaneous factors, and consciousnesses also do not remain the same from one nanosecond to the next. Everything comes into existence, persists for the tiniest fraction of a moment, and then ceases; in fact, even in that split-second while it persists, it is changing. This is followed by something new that arises, persists for a changing fraction of a moment, and disintegrates. There is no way to stop this process: change is in the very nature of conditioned things.”While much of the literature on impermanence is from an Eastern Spiritual lens; Western science and simple human observation supports that in all cases, permanence is an illusion.
I’ve challenged myself to explore the below questions…how could the exploration of impermanence help you in your work as a death doula/IPLD?
If we know that nothing lasts forever; including our time on this plane…why do we as humans have such a hard time with the impermanence of life? Why do people grasp on to life, despite a terminal diagnosis and deny death?
As a person working in the “death arena” I do my best to accept impermanence. As I am human, regardless of my acceptance of life as finite, when I am in the midst of active dying I expect to be grasping on to things/people, etc. What do I envision those might be; and how can exploring that reality of grasping, bring even more compassion to the times when I hold space for those who are in denial of their last weeks and days of life?
What subtle aspects of impermanence in my life can I explore, to remind me that impermanence and loss can be a profoundly beautiful reminder of what it means to exist? How can this help me accept the ultimate impermanence in life, the death of my body? How can this be beautiful? How would this allow me to hold space for the families of dying clients, who are in denial of their loved one’s pending death?
Death does not come only to the old and sick. Approximately 29,000 children under the age of five die each day. These children are expected to grow up and have long lives. Their parents and community did not assume they would be gone so soon. How do we companion a parent that simply cannot accept the reality of the death of their child?
I commit myself to pursuits in this human lifetime; but what can I also commit myself to let go of?
What can the plant and animal kingdom teach us about impermanence?
If you contemplate impermanence, death and dying during your life, then you will not be so terrified by it. Your body is only temporary, it is on loan to you, eventually it will die, as everything dies.
As Ram Dass says:
“Death is not an error, it is not a failure, it is taking off a tight shoe.”
Death makes us realize that life is finite, as such, suffering is also temporary.
Thank you, Crow. You are a teacher.
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Kelly Hurley is a HHA graduate and has an Infant and Pregnancy Loss Doula practice in British Columbia. You can learn more about her at https://www.withgracepregnancyinfantlossceremonies.com/
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