Being here today was not my intended plan. In fact, 2 years ago I was not familiar with the role of an infant and pregnancy loss doula (IPLD). I experienced multiple first trimester losses and chemical pregnancies, but I naively thought that after the first 12 weeks, it was smooth sailing that would result in a perfectly healthy baby. The friend of a friend of a friend who experienced a second trimester miscarriage or stillbirth was, in my naive mind, an isolated case that would not affect me.
I stand here today, feet firmly planted on the ground beneath me and I am transforming, immersing in a new life that I had never envisioned for myself, discovering the role that chose me. Here I AM, preparing to be an IPLD, learning to give to other birthing parents, their partners and their extended families what I wish I had received.
I’m sorry but your baby has no heartbeat.
I couldn’t comprehend the doctor’s words, and I told her she was mistaken. “Check again! I felt him move yesterday, check again!” Despair and rage filled my heart. My voice trembled as I stared at the ultrasound screen searching for the familiar flicker of a heart beat…there was none…
June 11, 2021 was the start of my journey, when, at 17 weeks pregnant, I was induced and gave birth to my son Andrew.
He was and continues to be the greatest gift I could not keep, my guide, my last child, my reason for writing this post today.
25% of Canadians experience loss at some point in their expectant journeys. The field of perinatal loss encompasses fertility and conception issues, early and late miscarriage, abortion and medical termination, stillbirth, and neonatal birth.
Perinatal loss represents a loss of a relationship, the loss of the hopes and dreams envisioned for that child. As a result, the pain is deeply rooted and often leads to isolation, disenfranchised grief, guilt and even shame. Infant and pregnancy loss doulas support individuals going through perinatal loss by helping the birthing parent during delivery and postpartum, finding ways to honor the memory of the child, providing the parents with resources for funeral services and grief and bereavement.
Like many other parents experiencing perinatal loss, my husband and I felt alone, scared and not knowing what to expect. As I reflect back on my journey, I wish I had an infant and pregnancy loss doula to advocate for me during the birth process, provide me with information around the funeral and let me know what to expect moving forward, postpartum.
Throughout labour and birth, I wish I had a doula to be my voice and find out whether the copious amount of blood I was losing was expected or normal. The majority of nurses were lovely but my baby had no heartbeat and from a risk management perspective, I felt I was last on their priority list. My husband’s face was shocked at the size of the blood clots and he was scared as well. There was fear and shock as we just held each other through a long sleepless night. Furthermore, I wish I had a doula to comfort my husband as I had an allergic reaction to hydromorphone during labour and he struggled to find help.
After Andrew’s birth, I wish I had a doula to advocate for me as a very eager nurse came in on the new shift change, not having been briefed about my baby’s death and asked: “where is the little one was for his bath?” At that moment, I fell apart and could not speak, my husband just shook his head in disbelief with tears in his eyes. She stood confused and ran away, never came back to apologize, or express regret. She swapped our case with another nurse on duty.
I wish I had a doula to let me know that I could carry Andrew’s body to the funeral home myself, rather than a funeral director picking him up in a morbid black box. I wish I had known that I could request to witness his cremation; at the time, I accepted what the hospital staff and funeral home told me. As a result, I felt no control over the tragic circumstances.
I wish I had an empathetic doula to wrap me up in a warm hug and model to my own family what to say or not to say. Their words cut deep: “it was meant to happen this way, he’s an angel, be thankful for your 3 other living children” or the worst: “he wasn’t even fully formed, imagine your pain had he been full term!”
I was appalled, isolated with my grief, trauma and unbearable sadness. I wish I had a supportive doula to come with me for my 6-week follow up. My doctor’s first question was if I had birth control, not how I was doing. I struggled for a while with whether I wanted more kids. I grieved not only the loss of my son but the end of my fertility journey, which concluded abruptly and in a traumatic way.
I wish I had a compassionate IPLD to reassure me that God or the universe was not punishing me for an abortion I had 15 years ago when I did not have the resources or capacity to parent. I wish I had a wise doula to teach me that grief and learning to live with my loss are life-long processes that have the ability to transform my soul. I had to learn these lessons on my own. Through grief counseling, peer phone support, groups on pregnancy loss, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), journalling, mindfulness and meditation, I embraced my grief. I gave myself grace, removed the shame, guilt, insecurity, and I stand here today, grateful that Andrew’s death and the multiple other first trimester losses I experienced became a gift.
My son’s heart stopped and my new life began - a life that I fully embrace hoping to give to others experiencing perinatal loss, what I wish I had received!
Anyone interested in learning how to provide infant and pregnancy loss support can register for HHA's training here.
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Andreea Austen is an HHA death doula and IPLD candidate and a volunteer with Margaret Bahen Hospice and Doane House Hospice in Newmarket. Andreea explores the human capacity to find meaning within the process of dying, death, and grief by writing legacy poems that embrace spirituality and mindfulness.
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